“Having a child has brought me profound experiences, so of course, you kind of wonder what’s the payoff for not having children.”

That was my writing teacher’s comment to me after she read an essay I wrote for class about Lori becoming an FWK and how it affected me. The essay is about friends, both FWKs and CFFs in my life. I touch briefly on the fact that I’m childfree but that is not the point of the essay. The point is that Lori went and had a baby and now our friendship is about to change so turn the page and read the rest of the book to find out how.

But my main issue with her statement isn’t that it’s off topic and provides no helpful constructive feedback (in fact, it’s not even feedback, it’s a comment), my problem is with “you kind of wonder what’s the payoff for not having children.” Really? You cannot fathom a “payoff”? You have no freakin’ clue as to why someone would choose to be childfree? Seriously? Nothing comes to mind? Nothing at all? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I wasn’t the only one that picked up on this in class either. A classmate of mine emailed me later and said, “Wow, wasn’t [her] response visceral and mammalian, though! I am amazed how deeply many educated women derive their identity from motherhood.”

I am not surprised at all. My teacher’s reaction is par for the course when educated women learn of my decision. It doesn’t bother me in the least bit that women who have kids are proud of being a mom. They should be. That’s the point of being a mom. What bothers me is that they think my life is somehow EMPTY or LESS or SUFFERING because there are no kids in it. They act like I swallowed a hand grenade and they are compelled to reach in and pull it out before it goes off and destroys my uterus. Never mind the fact that if it goes off it will shred me to bits—their mantra is, “save the ovaries, save the world.” I’m pretty certain this is how my single girlfriends feel when people ask them when their marital status is going to change. As if having a husband or baby is going to make any of us a better woman, let alone a better person. Please.

I’ll give Lori this: while she has expressed to me in the past that she thinks I should have a baby, she totally gets why I don’t. It is the single biggest factor in me staying friends with her.