For starters, there are about ten minutes of each weekday that I have to even think about something as esoteric as my decisions and my friends.  I’ve only been to work for four days now, and from the minute I wake up I’m moving from one thing to the next…until I’m laying in bed that night.  Just to cover the basics of getting myself ready for work, Matteo ready for daycare, actually getting work done in between nursing and pumping, and getting home to do it all over again is quite a Chinese fire drill.  If I’m lucky enough to have a few minutes to take a deep breath, honestly, I’m thinking about me, myself and I.  My friends are going to have to fend for themselves.  Lucky for me (or by design), I only have friends that are used to that.

I also recently met my first “mommy” friend.  Her son started daycare with Matteo and she’s going back to work this week as well.  We’re planning on going to the farmer’s market together someday.  I’m looking forward to getting to know her, and am optimistic, especially because she moved here from Chicago and is also a working mother.  On the other side of the coin, I’m starting a Mommy and Me class tomorrow morning (mostly to get out of work one morning a week).  Because the class is on a Tuesday morning, I’m expecting to meet alot of SAHMs (that’s Stay At Home Mom for those of you not hip to the lingo), so I’m not sure I’ll really find anyone I connect with.  I’m keeping an open mind…at the very least, I might find someone who wants to take care of Matteo during the day for cheap.

As I get more into the routine of working, I can see my friendships - all of them - taking a back seat.  There’s simply not enough hours in the day, and I’m starting to understand why “people with kids” hang out with other “people with kids” and why “childfree” folks get tired of it.  Frankly, childfree people have other options!  I totally understand that.  That being said, Barb and I have plans to go to a play soon (after she gets done galavanting in New Orleans) and this weekend a childfree friend and I are going to Santa Barbara for a concert. 

So it’s not all diapers and nursing and exhaustion…and most of all, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  When I pick up Matteo after work and we talk and play and he falls asleep on my shoulder, the world is a wonderful place to live, and I love him more than life itself.  And with a face like this, who wouldn’t?

I’ve been reflecting on this unique and special time that I got to spend with Barb.  How much I appreciate her making a point to celebrate our friendship, even though I am no longer in the “childfree” category.  The most ironic part of all is if I hadn’t had a baby, Barb and I never would have spent this much time together.  I’d still be working, and we probably would’ve seen each other, I’d say, about once a month.  We would have met for drinks, or had dinner at her place or mine, and we’d talk about politics or economics, and sometimes our creative endeavors.  But we wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun if I hadn’t had a baby.

The thing is, the decision to have children or not, and how your friendships are affected by that decision…totally depends on the friends.  It’s similar to out of town friends - if you don’t make a point to keep in touch and see each other every now and then, the friendship starts to fade.  But if you nurture the friendship, no matter the distance between you, it will remain strong and healthy and alive.  Yes, it might take more effort, setting aside time to accommodate differences in time zone or planning a weekend get away six months in advance.  But it’s worth it, having that person in your life.  Having that person to talk with and laugh with and cry with and breathe with.  It is SO worth it.

So that’s the realization I’ve come to - regardless of whether you have kids or don’t or get married or get divorced or come out of the closet or stay in the closet or drink or smoke or whatever - if there’s a connection with that person that you want to keep, you’ll make the adjustments in the details to keep the friendship alive.  And if there’s not that connection, then you won’t.  Simple as that.

It doesn’t mean that the people you lost touch with weren’t important to you at the time, or the time you spent together wasn’t valuable, it just didn’t last.  Like your high school boyfriend, who you may think of nostalgically time and again.  You may reflect on the good times, but it’s not like you’re going to invite him over for dinner.  We are a collective summary of our experiences, and if you change one thing, you change everything.

As I step into yet another chapter of my life I will step boldly, holding myself in one hand and Matteo in the other, walking beside my husband.  Hopefully I will make good decisions according to my highest purpose, and live the next thirty five years of my life with confidence.  Hopefully I will nurture myself as much as I do my son, my family and my friends.  Hopefully, the women I connect to most will pick me up when I fall, remind me of who I am and stay beside me come what may.

Hopefully…

From her blog, though, it sounds like she’s leaning over the childfree side of the fence at this point.  Yes, having children can prevent you from being footloose and fancy free.  It can cost alot of money, although there are definitely ways to avoid that (good health insurance is one of them!).  It makes you tired…exhausted in fact.  But life without them, in my opinion, would be pretty boring.

Don’t get me wrong…just because I knew I wanted to have kids, doesn’t mean I didn’t live a very full life until I had one.  There are a few things I regret not doing, but at the ripe old age of thirty five, I feel like it’s a great time to “settle down” as they call it.  My husband and I both have our educations, a house to live in (two in fact), money in the bank and supportive families.  Other than the few neuroses that plague the DNA in our pool, I’d say we’re doing just fine!

Ultimately, the decision is a personal one, and noone can tell you which is better.  You just need to decide what’s better for you.  And if on the fence is where you’re comfortable, then stay there, and make the jump to either side when you’re good and ready.  Of course, however, there’s a catch…you can’t wait too long, or mother nature makes the decision for you!

Yes, the transition will be tough, but I’m sure I’ll get through it.  After all, there are plenty of people that deal with harder circumstances than I have and live to tell about it.

So I went shopping today to try to find some work clothes…not only is it traumatic looking for clothes to fit this post pregnant body, but to add insult to injury, I have to spend money on clothes that I’m going to wear to work.  It’s not only that I need bigger clothes, but clothes just don’t fit the same way anymore.  And for those of you who don’t know me, it’s not like I was a size 6 to begin with, ok?  I always teeter on the edge of the normal sized and the plus size departments, and this baby having thing threw me right over the edge, dammit.  So I bought a few things to get me through this “phase” and then went to the grocery store and came home with 5 bottles of wine and peanut butter cookies.  Hmmm, I wonder if there’s a connection…I’ll have to think about that.

A funny part of the day is that we’ve noticed that people are starting to think Barb and I are a couple, and that we got a sperm donor to have Matteo.  Hilarious!  At one point during the tour yesterday, I went back to the stroller to get Matteo’s hat, and I guess Barb was talking to a few of the others on the tour.  They kept asking Barb about “us” and she finally mentioned that “Matteo’s father, LORI’S HUSBAND” blah blah blah.

I guess it makes perfect sense, though.  Two women and a baby, especially in LA, during the week and during the day, I guess I can’t blame them.  It’s not like there are two women and two babies, a combination you see quite often.  The funniest part of it all for me is that, since I’m the one caring for Matteo during our outings, Barb would be the “man” in the situation.  THAT, my friends, is the hilarious part.  If only I would have taken a picture of the three of us.

So yeah, we had a great time, I got a sunburn (I gotta quit doing that), we had a wonderful vegetarian lunch that Barb prepared (who knew I liked hearts of palm?), drank wine on the beach (shhh, don’t tell) and was home by 4pm.  The best part of all is that Matteo had a great time as well, and took a long nap when we got home.

Oh yeah, and another reason I didn’t get this blog finished yesterday is because I finally setup my new iPhone.  Woo hoo!  I know Barb doesn’t share my enthusiasm with technology (in fact, I can’t even send her a text message because her cell phone is so lame), but it’s a super cool phone and I can’t wait to figure it out! 

Until next time…wear sunscreen.

So how am I going to keep myself “alive” when I go back to my cage?  Hopefully my home girl Barb will keep me honest and not let me sink into a twenty year stupor.  Hopefully I don’t put all my dreams and goals on hold to make room for everyone else’s.  Hopefully I don’t STOP living just because Matteo STARTED living.  After all, I need to be a good example on self preservation, and therefore need to make sure my self is nurtured and fueled.

I will keep my creative fire burning.  I will take care of my body and carve out time to exercise.  I will make good choices for my health, for myself and my family.  And I will have fun, dammit, in spite of those corporate bastards.  So what if they don’t like my attitude.  So what if they don’t like my “editorials” in meetings.  If they don’t like it, I guess they’ll just have to fire me…then I’ll HAVE to figure something else out!

So here we go with the remaining days until my first workday.  May they be filled with love, laughter, inspiration and creativity…and provide the momentum to keep going well into the year.

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was a card that Barb sent me a little while ago with a picture of a mama gorilla with her baby on her back.  It’s a gorgeous photo taken in Uganda, and you can see so much in the mother’s eyes as well as the baby’s, that’s it’s unbelievable that people can think that we aren’t related to these animals.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been watching alot of Discovery Channel and reading “The Third Chimpanzee” by Jared Diamond.  Amazing card, amazing documentaries, amazing book, and amazing gorillas.

When Barb mentioned a few days ago my comment about feeling closer to nature since having a baby, it was interesting to read how she perceived that comment.  Obviously Barb and I have alot in common and we love each other’s company.  In fact, the other day we were talking about how much it sucks to be everyone else but us!  But when I mentioned feeling like I was closer to nature, I don’t think what I was trying to express really came across.  I’m not just closer to nature…I AM nature.

Of course we’re all human beings, breathe oxygen and so on and so forth, but when a seed is planted in your womb (literally), grows for 9 months and over time becomes a separate somewhat-duplicate of yourself, I guess you just can’t put it into words.  And I’m not saying that you have to experience it to be a complete woman, yadda yadda yadda, but there’s no way to explain the feeling, both physical and emotional, to someone that hasn’t done it.  There’s just no way.  Maybe it’s similar to how the austronauts felt when people asked them what it was like to walk on the moon.  I guess all you can say is “Yeah, it’s pretty cool”.

This is me not saying that people with children “just don’t understand”.  Yep, I said it.  It’s not that it’s some club that you can’t join, or it makes me better than a childless woman, but it makes me different.  Of course my lifestyle is different, and many people who choose not to have children have more freedom.  But when I describe my day to someone that doesn’t want to have kids, I have gotten the response “Man, it’s like you don’t have a life anymore”.  I don’t have a life?  What do you mean?  This IS life!

I am that gorilla on the front of the card Barb gave me, and will never look at a mother and her child the same way.  I’ll always smile at a baby in the grocery store and parents with crying babies on airplanes, and even when I CAN get a full night’s sleep, I probably won’t.  In fact, Matteo has started sleeping longer lately, and instead of taking advantage of it and going to bed myself, I catch myself going in his room every now and then to look at him.  Just look…and wonder…and wait for the most wonderful moment of the day - when he wakes up, sees me, and smiles.

Yes, we have choices, and just like Barb, I can’t imagine it any other way.

For those of you who know me, this is huge. I just don’t do this, and I definitely don’t do it regularly, but it seems that motherhood has brought out an emotional side of me I didn’t know I had - or at least didn’t want to admit I had. So, I lied in bed and started to journal…I wrote until the tears stopped flowing, and afterwards slept like a baby. Funny how cathartic crying can be, and how ultimately inspiring it can be. In my “previous life”, the life pre-baby, I would’ve considered this type of event to be catastrophic and would follow it up with extensive analysis in my mind about what is wrong. Last night, and it seems to be now as a mother, it was ok that it happened, and it just meant that I was sad. That’s all. Nothing more.

Today I woke up later than usual…8am! It was quite a treat, and I can’t imagine how hard it will be to adjust to a working world and schedule in a few short weeks. When I heard Matteo stirring on the baby monitor, I went to his room and brought him into my bed to talk, play and just be together. It’s my favorite time of day with him…he’s well rested, bright eyed, smiling and talking and active as can be. This is the time I’ll miss the most.

Then it was time for a load of laundry (why am I always doing laundry?), dishes, breakfast, and while Matteo napped, I did a bit of gardening. Spring is almost here (!) and today was absolutely gorgeous outside. I had the french doors open and was repotting a couple plants, replacing them with flowers, and pruning the others. It felt great to get my hands in the dirt and spend time outside.

Then I went to yoga - for the first time in probably 18 months. It was good to get back into it, but also depressing in how much more difficult it is now than it was back then. Another opportunity to get up close and personal with my body and realize how much it needs some long overdue attention. Story of my life.

So that’s me for today…another good Monday in the housewife world. Twenty three days and counting until my bubble bursts and I’m thrown back into the grind…God help me.