I’ve been trying to write this entry for over a month now, and although I can pull the mommy card and say that I’ve been busy, I don’t think that’s really the reason.  I’ve been avoiding writing my “Year In Review” because I’m not sure how I feel.  Barb and I had a great year last year, spending much more time with each other that we would have if I wouldn’t have had a baby.  But I’m starting to feel the cloud of hesitancy even more than before, and it starts to wear on me.  Over the course of the year it didn’t seem like there was much that was changing about our friendship, but looking back on it now, I guess much more has changed than I realized.

After reading Barb’s Year In Review, it seems as if last year was, well, last year.  There were some good times and fun had and work done, and she seems amazed that she still likes to hang around me, even though I had to go mess things up and have a kid.

The year started with lots of fun times exploring areas of LA that we had never visited or it had been a long time.  Matteo was just an accessory at that point, taking up space, but not affecting the schedule.  As long as he was with me (i.e. the milk machine) he was happy.  But then I went back to work and the honeymoon was over.  I continued to be dragged down by the day-to-day of trying to keep all the balls in the air.  I had no time for myself and even less for my friends.  I kept in touch via email and Barb and I still got together, but I was less and less engaged because I was more and more exhausted.  I sensed that Barb was waiting for the end, when she would ride off into the sunset and find other friends that were more available, more energetic and didn’t have the baggage of little ones.  And I guess a part of me still feels that way, that Barb is just hanging out, biding time until she decides to cut me loose.

The last few times Barb and I have gotten together her favorite saying is “I can’t believe you do this every day.”  Matteo is walking now and exercising his will, which means he’s more of an “issue” in Barb’s eyes.  He interrupts our creative endeavors and distracts me from my time with Barb.  For the first time ever, after this week’s visit, I can honestly say I’m starting to see what Barb has been talking about.  I am seeing why she might cut and run.  And although I would be sad to see it happen, if I put myself in Barb’s shoes, I have to say I understand.  Our lifestyles couldn’t be more different, and although we have a great time together and enjoy each other’s company, I think the difference in lifestyle might ultimately win.

My friendship with Barb has changed because I have changed.  And although it seems as if Barb is just waiting for the other shoe to drop, I love her anyway.  Her passion for doing her own thing has been an inspiration, and regardless of how sparse our friendship becomes (or not), she will always be a part of who I am.

As I’ve said before, I feel like having a child has been an experience that ultimately has given me my own life back.  I didn’t feel like a blossoming flower when I was pregnant, I felt like a fat, bloated cow.  I’m not the woman who does everything and likes the control (or image thereof) that comes along with it.  I don’t want to go back to the corporate world in the same capacity and keep spinning my wheels in the rat race of capitalism.

I know I want Barb to be on my top five list of coolest people to hang out with when I have the time, but I’m not sure how long she’ll last.  I don’t blame her, because I know where she’s coming from (after all, I spent 35 years NOT having children).  I hope she can see the value that Matteo adds to our friendship, not just from being himself, but from what he gives me.  I hope she can leave her hesitancy at the door and open her mind and heart to the possibility of having a FWK on her list.  I hope she can go there, but if she can’t, then I understand.