MOMMY GUILT

I’m not one to feel guilty.  I’ve done some things that I shouldn’t have done, and I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said, but guilt has never been a big part of who I am or what I do.  If you live your life fully, mistakes will be made and all we can do is try to learn from them.  Having a baby, however, put a whole new spin on both my definition and experience of guilt.  So much so that I’m almost feeling like I was raised Catholic!

When I initially went back to work, I felt guilty, but once I fully transitioned into the role of working mother, the guilt started to fade, day by day.  I really haven’t felt much guilt since then…I’m reserving that for when he’s older.  So I was shocked this week when that nagging feeling returned.  It started Monday night when I knew my little man wasn’t feeling well.  He was teething, drooling and constipated.  I was tired and didn’t want to deal with it, so I gave him some Tylenol and went to sleep.  Tuesday morning I made an apointment with the doctor and in we went.

The doctor checks him out and he’s got ear infections in both ears, which would explain why he won’t drink his bottles.  The doctor prescribed an antibiotic and told me to come back in a couple weeks.  I asked him if he thought it was ok to take him to daycare (it was going to be a busy day at the office and my boss doesn’t have kids, so when I call to say my child is sick and I need to stay home with him, I can almost hear her rolling her eyes).  He said no, that I should stay home with him.  I took him to daycare anyway.

Guilt, enter stage left.

I don’t even LIKE my job, and I absolutely ADORE my child, yet I chose to go to work and take him to daycare, against the doctor’s recommendation.  What kind of mother am I?  How could my perspective change so much within a few months?  Six months ago I was home everyday with him and could barely go to a movie without wondering if he was ok.  Now I’m tossing him at daycare with an ear infection in both ears after drugging him with Tylenol.  How is that even possible?

But I did it.  And I felt guilty about it.  Two days later and it’s still tugging at me.  I told my coworker (one of my only “working mother” friends) and she told me not to worry about it.  She reassured me that he would be fine and I wasn’t a bad mother.  And although I believe her, it’s yet another difference in my life from when I didn’t have a child.  I am 100% responsible for this little boy, and my decisions shape his life.  Luckily he’s still young enough to not remember this one.