The Invitation

I read this book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer years ago, and I loved it.  Last night I was sitting on the couch, drinking my wine and checking my email, when I thought about it again.  I flashed back to a line in The Invitation that hit me right between the eyes.  I realized that I have read it a million times, but didn’t really know what was meant until I became a parent:

“It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.”

I’m not weary or bruised, and I don’t have much grief and despair, but I relate more than ever about getting up and doing what needs to be done to feed the children.

I’ve been extremely tired lately, and it’s not in the I had an all nighter kind of way.  It’s more of a Chinese water torture kind of way, where I operate on a quarter tank of gas, and when the indicator light comes on I put enough in the tank to not run out, but never enough to fill up.  I only notice it on occasion, as it’s become the status quo now.  The bottom line, however, is that no matter how tired I get, I will always put Matteo’s needs ahead of mine.  It scares me to death, because I saw my mom do the same thing for most of her life, and I criticized her for it.  I told her she needs to take care of herself.  I told her she shouldn’t do everything for us.  And now I see myself doing the exact same thing.

There’s a certain drive to care for a child that I’ve never experienced before.  I do things that I never would have done before, and my patience is greater than ever.  I love this new role in my life and the sense of purpose it has given me, but I’m afraid of losing myself and my own identity and goals.  I’m afraid I’ll compromise too much of myself to keep the family together.  And if I’m afraid that these things will happen, it’s because it’s already moving in that direction.

When my alarm goes off every morning (aka Matteo wakes up and cries to be fed), I don’t roll over and wait for him to stop (aka hit the snooze button).  Before being a parent, if I was tired I slept.  If I was late for work, I’d work late.  Now, everything’s different.  I get up no matter how tired I am.  I feed Matteo no matter how much I don’t feel like it.  Hell, I’m even trying to be a good example.

So I am now a mother first, and me second.  I understand Oriah’s Invitation more than ever, and I will do whatever it takes, for the rest of my life, no matter what.  Now that’s a first.