I celebrated my 38th birthday a couple of weeks ago. Or, as my husband likes to point out, I’m now in my 39th year (thanks, Love). Generally speaking, I’m not one to freak out about age. Anyone’s age. I truly see it as relative. But sometimes the body doesn’t lie and you end up feeling exactly as old as you are. That can be good or bad, depending on what you’re feeling, of course. One of the great pleasures I have in my life is being able to say, “I choose to be childfree.” This birthday made me realize that someday it will no longer be a choice. Someday, my body will make that decision for me. And then it becomes just a fact. In a blink of an eye (or a flip of the hormone switch) my statement, my proud declaration of a zero spawn count, goes from being one of empowerment to being one of clarification. And that bums me out.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m looking forward to the time when there is no way in hell I can get pregnant. After decades of trying to avoid procreation, it will be nice to sit back, sink into the hot flashes and facial hair growth, and watch the next generation or two try to maneuver their way around their fertile years. But I take pride in the fact that I live my life very purposefully, putting thought and effort behind every step I take. To have my uterus taken over by time seems sort of lazy to me. Or rather passive. And that’s just not me. I didn’t even let my husband’s vasectomy fool me into a false sense of sterility. Short of yanking out the testicles, it seems like it’s just leaving it to chance. He’s still cranking out sperm and there’s always the possibility that it could jump the vas deferens chasm and end up bunking down in one of my eggs. The odds of that happening are less than a 1%, but it’s still a chance. And I leave nothing to chance. “Besides,” I told him, “Even if your vasectomy holds, that just means you can’t have children. I still can.”

At least for now. Even at 38, I could be a baby-making machine if I wanted to. Even at 38, when I say, “I choose to be childfree,” it is quite literal. I’m not sure at what birthday, neither of those will be true. But for now, I’ll revel in the fact that they are. And I’ll revel in the fact that regardless of my age, I will always be bound and determined to shape my life and not the other way around. Regardless of what my body wants to do.