Last month, I was in the unique position to have sandwiched some serious individual quality time with two of my closest friends, Heidi and Lori. One week I was doing Micromovement Monday (MM) with Lori, the next I was spending time in Minnesota with Heidi. A few weeks later I was with Heidi again in Savannah and upon my return spent another MM with Lori. If there ever was a time in my life where the differences between a childfree friend (CFF) and a friend with kids (FWK) was more evident, it was then.

To say that Heidi and Lori are very different from one another is a like saying the sun and the moon are very different from one another. But I don’t think their diverse personalities is the reason behind the differences in experiences I have with them. I truly believe it has to do with the kid thing. And, to piggyback on this week’s Whatever Wednesdays blog, it comes down to “more” and “less.”

Heidi has become “more” of a Happy Hour buddy over the past few years!Childfree Heidi and I love to travel. In fact, it was a trip to England that actually kicked off, and then cemented, our friendship many years ago. But behind our travels together lies something more important, and that’s the motivating factor that makes our travel happen: our common desire and drive to experience and learn new things. All the time. Places, food, books, cultures, sports, languages, art, drinks, people, politics…you name it, we’re willing to give it a go. (Heidi, like me, is always taking community ed classes…a fact I simply adore about her) And yet, we’re both comfortable in returning to the things we’ve found make us most happy, not because it’s convenient but because we want to: picnics in the park, New Orleans, spending a Saturday reading, Georgia O’Keefe. What it comes down to is “more.” More of the new and more of the chosen same. As childfree women, we aspire to find and do more of the things that fulfill us, while at the same time include as many of our friends and significant others in our lives that we possibly can. Spending a day with Heidi is like living in an encyclopedia…so many things to discover, so little time. And I’ve seen this quest for “more” magnify intensely in Heidi over the past few years, so I know the best part of our already amazing friendship has yet to come.

Lori has always been a Happy Hour buddy.With Lori, my FWK, it’s all about having fun and being creative. It’s about the outdoors and our love for California. It’s about mocking our Midwest upbringing and high school years. Lori is one smart chick and I love to hear her perspective on things. I love her frankness and almost-pure honesty (‘cause let’s face it, who of us not only can, but wants to be purely honest?). I look forward to seeing and hearing her because there is an energy that is shared and exchanged. Lori is laid back and easy to be around and pretty much up for just about anything. Prior to Matteo, I would have easily put Lori in the “more” category as well because both of us were intent on unearthing our creative possibilities. At all costs. And almost all the time. But now, I see less with Lori. Our MM are sandwiched between Matteo’s bedtime and our own and between dropping him off at daycare and Lori going to work. There is a visible tiredness about her (and rightfully so) and that is sometimes hard to be around. When I see her tired like that, all I want to do is go fluff up her pillows and send her off to bed. And then do the dishes and ironing for her. I was going to describe Lori as distracted these days but it’s more than that (because, as anyone who knows Lori, she’s always distracted). The “umph” is gone. There is no fire there. I’m not even sure how much of a spark is left, though I can see her desperately trying to keep whatever is there from being extinguished. And that’s hard for me to watch. It’s hard for me to see her come to the realization that something is going to have to give and that something is her. Less energy for her, more for Matteo. Less time for her, more for Matteo. Less forgiveness and understanding for her, more for Matteo. The only thing she’s getting more of is guilt. And tired. The white flag of surrender is within reaching distance and the temptation to wave it is on the horizon. And when that happens, the MM goals she’s set for herself, which have already dropped from three to one, might disappear all together. And so will our MMs.

This is not to say that I don’t like being around Lori. I still love being with her. It’s just that my awareness of the changes and differences in my friendship with her were resounding and obnoxiously loud after spending time with my CFF Heidi. And it really drove home what I’ve been trying to explain to Lori is the difference between CFFs and FWKs…and that is the more and less factor. This is true of all my FWKs, not just Lori. There is just less of them to go around. I don’t take it personally. I don’t find it offensive. Quite honestly, it makes me sad. And maybe that’s one of the reasons why I choose to let my friendships with FWKs fade into the background of life. For their sake and mine.

This is definitely a pivotal time in Lori’s mommyhood. And a pivotal time for me as I try to figure out how to be the best friend I can be to Lori while still honoring my decision to live a life free of all that comes with raising children. My instinct is to try to take care of Lori, to protect her from imploding, to destroy the barriers that keep her from fully experiencing life. Sounds like mothering to me. But it also sounds like trying to be a good friend to someone you want to be friends with. Maybe there is no difference. Maybe motherhood and friendship are more or less the same thing.