The Distance Grows

I’ve noticed lately that the distance between us is growing.  Maybe it’s been that way for awhile and I’m slow to notice, but recently I feel like I’ve been reaching out trying to make plans with Barb, only to get a slow and half-hearted response.  In the past I would mention getting together and she would throw out a few dates and we would make it happen.  But the last few requests have vanished into thin air.

I know she’s busy, but that isn’t anything new.  She always plans her time and has a ton of things going on.  The difference lately is that she used to have some room to work me in.  When we finally connected over the phone this week I felt like she wasn’t really that interested.  “I can’t do Wednesday, Thursday or Friday” (or something like that).  We finally agreed on a “tentative” get together Tuesday, which is something totally new.  Barb’s a planner, and to be on her “tentative list” is a first.  

I know I’m becoming more of a “mom” these days.  Since losing my job seven months ago, my identity has definitely shifted.  The career identity is a faint memory, although I’m working on starting my own business.  I’m spending more time at the park with other moms, watching Jon & Kate plus 8 on DVR and looking through cookbooks for new meal ideas.  Right now I’m drinking coffee in my pajamas watching Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch while Matteo plays on the floor.  Meanwhile Barb makes plans for Girl’s Weekend, camping with her hubby, writing classes and whatever else she decides she wants to do.  There’s a part of me that’s jealous of the freedom she has to go where she wants when she wants.  But it’s a small part.

A bigger part of me is sad to know that she is drifting away and our commonalities may be dwindling.  Maybe if our “tentative” get together happens we will reconnect and I can say I’m just imagining it.  Maybe I’ve been the one out in left field preoccupied with playdates and nap time.  But something is definitely different, and I hope it’s not a signal of the end.

Since I announced I was pregnant there has always been pending doom for our friendship, at least in Barb’s eyes.  She has been down this road before and lost (or cut off) friendships when kids came into the picture.  But it’s all new territory for me.  None of my friends have kids, and although we get together less frequently I don’t worry about our friendship ending.  With Barb, though, it’s different.  With her I feel like I’m on a never-ending job interview for a job I’ll never get.

I’ll just do what I do and hope for the best.  I guess tentatively is a good word for Tuesday, and maybe every day after that.

Helicopter Moms

So I learned a new phrase last week:  Helicopter Mom.  I cracked up the first time I heard it, because I was always so aware of the behaviors these moms exhibit and never heard such a poignant way to describe it.  They’re the moms that hover over their children, never allowing themselves to be out of arm’s reach of their offspring.  Their kids don’t fall because Mom is there to catch them before they hit the pavement.  I don’t understand how they operate, but I think it’s definitely a wiring thing.  I’m just not wired that way, and I think Matteo is better off because of it.  Granted, Matteo is worse off because of other reasons, but we don’t need to go into that right now.  

Becoming a Mom has made me realize how much I don’t know, and learning this phrase at least reminded me of one thing I DO know.  I will NEVER be a Helicopter Mom.  And hopefully that’s one little bit of reassurance for Barb.  I might be a FWK, but at least I’m not a Helicopter Mom.  That makes me feel good.

Girls Gone Wild

This past Monday Barb and I got together with our friend Nicole, the girl Barb refers to as The Conduit.  Nicole introduced Barb and I years ago and we just hit it off.  Over the years the three of us girls would get together to hang out and drink, but we would also discuss politics, our dreams, and how we want to live our lives.  It was always inspiring to be in the same room with Barb and Nicole, and I’m happy to report that it still is.  Our visit was short (4 hours) compared to previous times, but it was SO worthwhile.

We met at Nicole’s parent’s house.  Nicole had flown in from her new home state of Colorado to attend a conference, and Monday night was the only night that worked for all three of us.  We hung out on the patio overlooking the canyon and caught up on each other’s lives.  The best part?  When the subject of having babies came up, Nicole dodged the bullet so smoothly!

We know Barb’s not having babies, and we know I am.  Nicole, however, has been on the fence with the subject.  She’s working in education now so her increased exposure to children I think has caused her biological clock to tick louder than before.  In fact, I proclaimed that Nicole would be pregnant by the end of the year.  Barb about had a heart attack.

I know Nicole has her concerns about being a mother; the physical exhaustion that comes with creating a life, the emotional ups and downs that come with the hormonal roller coaster and the psychological impact on both parents when you are responsible for another person.  But she also has that look in her eye when she talks about having a baby.  That look of wonder and amazement at what it must feel like to help mold and shape, guide and inspire the next generation of people that will make the world a better place.

I wish Nicole the best on her journey for the next year, and although I’m sure she’ll have a baby I’m also sure that if she doesn’t she’ll be fine with that, too.  It’s been interesting to watch her perspective change from hesitant to anticipatory, and I’ll be in the bleachers with my popcorn to see what happens.  I know her husband is more freaked out by the proposition than she is, but know that she’s open to what the experience will bring to her life.

As for Barb, I’m not sure how she’s gonna handle it.  If both Nicole and I are FWKs, that might be enough to push Barb over the edge and cut us off.  Or maybe since Nicole is out-of-state it won’t make a big difference.  It’s fun, though, to be sitting on the mommy side of the fence and Barb on the CFF side, hanging out watching Nicole teeter from side to side.

Only time will tell…

Mom’s Night Out

Last week was a first for me: Mom’s Night Out at the Nail Salon. It felt strange, spending “free” time with a bunch of moms, but it also felt good. After all, none of my pre-Matteo friends have kids, so there have been times that I feel like I’m floating in a lifeboat on the side of the cruise ship while my CFF friends are partying it up on board.

I met ten other moms at one of those strip mall nail salons where the white women are getting pampered by the vietnamese men and women who work there. When I first moved to California nine years ago, that environment kind of bothered me. But anymore it’s just part of the landscape, so I walked in with my wine and snacks and took a seat in the bad ass massage chair, handed my color of choice to the man sitting at my feet, picked up my glass of wine in one hand and People magazine in the other and starting reading about Kate Gosslein of Jon and Kate + 8. WHAT? DID I JUST SAY THAT?

Yes, I did. I chatted and caught up on celebrity gossip and didn’t have to hear children or husbands or parents or anything. I loved it, and you know what? I loved hanging out with other moms without their kids around. It’s funny, I didn’t think I had very much in common with a lot of these women, but without our kids around we were actually able to get to know each other as individuals. What a concept.

After we all got manicures and pedicures, we went over to one of the mom’s house for more wine drinking and sitting around the fire pit. We talked about our kids a little bit, but mostly we talked about the experience of motherhood, our husbands, our lives “before kids”, books we’ve read, places we’ve traveled to, etc.  We even stayed out until midnight - something I NEVER expected doing with other moms!  It was a great time, and what made it even greater was that it was a surprise.  I got to know these women as Suzi, Bobbi, Erin, Tricia and Sonya instead of their previous identities of Nicolas’ Mom, Landon’s Mom, Kiley’s Mom, and so on.

For the first time I think I understand more about where Barb is coming from in describing the difference in our visits when Matteo’s around.  I always knew it was different, after all there’s another person there, but I never really EXPERIENCED it quite like I did with Mom’s Night Out.

And for me to understand more about where Barb is coming is saying something, considering most times I seriously think we live in completely different galaxies.

“Having a child has brought me profound experiences, so of course, you kind of wonder what’s the payoff for not having children.”

That was my writing teacher’s comment to me after she read an essay I wrote for class about Lori becoming an FWK and how it affected me. The essay is about friends, both FWKs and CFFs in my life. I touch briefly on the fact that I’m childfree but that is not the point of the essay. The point is that Lori went and had a baby and now our friendship is about to change so turn the page and read the rest of the book to find out how.

But my main issue with her statement isn’t that it’s off topic and provides no helpful constructive feedback (in fact, it’s not even feedback, it’s a comment), my problem is with “you kind of wonder what’s the payoff for not having children.” Really? You cannot fathom a “payoff”? You have no freakin’ clue as to why someone would choose to be childfree? Seriously? Nothing comes to mind? Nothing at all? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I wasn’t the only one that picked up on this in class either. A classmate of mine emailed me later and said, “Wow, wasn’t [her] response visceral and mammalian, though! I am amazed how deeply many educated women derive their identity from motherhood.”

I am not surprised at all. My teacher’s reaction is par for the course when educated women learn of my decision. It doesn’t bother me in the least bit that women who have kids are proud of being a mom. They should be. That’s the point of being a mom. What bothers me is that they think my life is somehow EMPTY or LESS or SUFFERING because there are no kids in it. They act like I swallowed a hand grenade and they are compelled to reach in and pull it out before it goes off and destroys my uterus. Never mind the fact that if it goes off it will shred me to bits—their mantra is, “save the ovaries, save the world.” I’m pretty certain this is how my single girlfriends feel when people ask them when their marital status is going to change. As if having a husband or baby is going to make any of us a better woman, let alone a better person. Please.

I’ll give Lori this: while she has expressed to me in the past that she thinks I should have a baby, she totally gets why I don’t. It is the single biggest factor in me staying friends with her.

I forgot to mention something else about my get together with Lori this week: it was weird to see her not driving her babymobile. Lori’s never been a mini-van girl (I would throw up if she ever bought one!) but I do associate her new car (a Honda CR-V) with her being a mom. Lori used to drive a Passat wagon, and while that may feel like a mommy car to some, it never had that vibe when in Lori’s hands. First of all, she had it for years before Matteo was born. Secondly, I have a lot of fond memories of us in that car (as well as fond memories of her, Nicole, and me in that car). And finally, that wagon was filled with so much of Lori (her card stuff, water bottles, Coke cans, her music, her attitude…heck, it even smelled like Lori), that there was no way anyone or anything was going to change that image for me. So when she got rid of it after Matteo was born and got the CR-V, I saw that as a transition from “Lori’s car” to the “babymobile,” albeit a cooler babymobile than most. Of all the changes in Lori’s life that came with becoming a mom, I’m most comfortable with the fact that she now drives a CR-V. So when she drove up in Sal’s car the other day, a Honda Accord, it sort of struck me as out of place. This may seem strange, but for me, Lori’s identity is tied as much to her car as it is to her being my former-CFF-turned-FWK. The sedan does not fit the image I have of her. The babymobile does. Maybe I am getting used to Lori-as-mom. Or just surrendering to it.

Girls Gone Wild: Malibu Bluff ParkYesterday, I got together with Lori at one of our favorite spots, Malibu Bluff Park. It sits at the end of Malibu Canyon Road overlooking the ocean. Quite, peaceful, beautiful. We sat on one of the picnic benches, shot the shit for a while, ate, and worked on Dually Noted stuff. I haven’t laughed that hard with her in a long time. It felt good. It felt like I had my ol’ friend back and you want to know why: Matteo wasn’t there. This is only the second time in the 18 months of Matteo’s life that Lori and I have gotten together without him. I repeat: only the second time! In 18 months. That’s a year and a half! The first time we were together without Matteo was over a year ago, on her birthday, when I told her she HAD to leave him behind because I had a birthday surprise for her that Matteo couldn’t participate in (whale watching on a sailboat followed by dinner at a very non-kid friendly restaurant). This time, Lori called me and said we could get together in the morning or the afternoon, but she would prefer the afternoon because then she could leave Matteo with Sal and we would be sans baby. SHE requested that we get together without Matteo. This is the first time that has happened too. And you want to know something else…it was the first time I could feel her relaxed with the idea that someone else was taking care of Matteo, which means she was totally present when we were together. She could focus on herself, on what we were doing, and was able to relax and sink into the moment like an old, comfy chair. It was like she was a CFF again! And even though I know that Matteo is always on her mind, it’s nice to know that she’s found a way to balance that by creating space in her mind for herself too.

Of course old habits die hard…as she pulled out some pita bread from the basket of goodies she brought along with her, she proceeded to tear up the pita bread into little pieces.

“Dude, I’m not Matteo. You don’t need to break my food up for me,” I said to her. At which point we both burst into laughter. Of course, I then proceeded to choke on the pita bread a few minutes later, prompting her to warn me the next time I grabbed a piece, “Dude, that’s a big one. You want me to break that up for you, you frickin’ tool?!”

God, I love that girl’s sense of humor.

Despite all the crap that’s going on in her life right now, Lori seemed happier than I have seen her in the past year. Maybe it was because Matteo wasn’t there. Maybe it was just ME happier because Matteo wasn’t there. Maybe it’s because she’s at a point where she’s just surrendered to her circumstances and is ready to tackle them from a new place rather than trying to fight them off while retreating. Who knows. But I do know this: for the first time in months, maybe even a year, I can’t wait to get together with her again.

After a year under our belt, we’re making some changes to a few of the things we do here on Dually Noted. Gone is 4x2 (four weekly questions dealing with the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual that we both answered) and in it’s place is One on One. Every week, we each come up with one question for the other person to answer. Anything is fair game. We’ll try to keep away from obvious questions (like are you crazy? why are you crazy? have you always been this crazy?) and stick to ones with more depth (like what does it feel like to be crazy? what do you like most about being crazy? how do you think you can be a better crazy?).

Check it out at One on One.